Akatsuki vs WalMart 513
by Kohana Kurama
Summary: Even S-Ranked ninjas need to go shopping for vital things. However it doesn't seem like the boys can behave themselves no matter where they go. Rated for Language
1. Shopping List

**Chapter One: Shopping List**

"I NEED A NEW _GIRLFRIEND_!"

"IF YOU YELL IN MY EAR AGAIN, I'LL _HELP_ ZETSU MAKE SUSHI OUT OF YOU!"

"Sorry, Tenshi."

"Thank you." Tenshi wrote down goldfish on the list. "What else?"

"I need Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner." Deidara held up an empty bottle. "And baby lotion, yeah."

Itachi smirked. "I need baby shampoo, Axe Kilo shower gel and body spray, baby _oil_, purple Sally Hansen nail polish, Neutrogena facial scrub, Degree for men, boxers, Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, and Gillette Fusion replacement blades."

Tenshi gave him a highly dissatisfied look then wrote what she could remember down, asking for the other items once she finished. "Anyone else?"

"I need medical supplies." Sasori replied.

"As in?"

"Surgical knives and such."

Blink. Blink. "Er…I don't think Wal-Mart carries things like that."

Stare. "It's a _super_ Wal-Mart. They have _everything_."

"Then you can harass the associates and find that stuff yourself."

"Fine. I'll also need vodka, rum, Grey Goose, wine—"

"I don't think Wal-Mart carries that either, Sasori." Tenshi cut him off, patience wearing thin.

"I wasn't aware you were paid to _think_."

Then a fight broke out. Arai came in and looked around the room (Itachi and Deidara cheering on the brawl) and let out a high whistle. Everyone froze and looked in her direction. Fighting irritation, she calmly put a toothpick in her mouth and spoke softly, voice full of authority. "What the hell is going on?"

Tenshi let go of Sasori's neck. "Ko-chan sent me in here to make a shopping list. We need to go to Wal-Mart."

Sasori snapped out of his daze (he'd realized Tenshi had got on top of him in a very "sexual" manner to try to kill him) and looked at Arai innocently. "She's being mean to us."

"_WHAT?!"_

Arai rolled her eyes. "Is it really impossible for you guys to get along for more than ten minutes at a time?" When everyone seemed to go into deep thought for an answer she added, "Don't answer that."

"So…I need batteries for my camera and DVDs for my camcorder." Zetsu announced breaking the silence.

Tenshi eyed him angrily but wrote it down. "Anyone else?"

Tobi flitted into the room. "Hannah Montana the Movie is out!"

The whole room groaned.


	2. The Ride

**Chapter Two: The Ride**

Everyone stared at the black van decorated with red clouds in horror. No would dare get in that thing willingly.

"Come on! I don't have all day!" Itachi bellowed from the driver's seat, motioning for the members pile in.

No one was dumb enough to risk their lives.

Tobi tugged on Kohana's sleeve and whined. "I want to go get the Hannah Montana movie…but not _that_ badly! Tell him to let someone else drive!"

For once, everyone agreed with the good boy. Kohana sighed and approached the vehicle. "Itachi—"

"_No._ Now get in."

"Itachi, you could at least put on your glasses." Kohana put her hands on her hips like a scolding mother.

Itachi gave her his best glare while still attempting to appeal to the side of her that found him attractive. "Glasses wouldn't look hot on me."

"However, glasses would keep me alive. Your looks aren't worth our lives. Either put them on or I'll allow Arai to force you to look into her eyes."

He let out a gasp of horror. "Fighting dirty, are we?" He reached inside of his cloak and pulled his glasses out of his breast pocket. Immediately snickering was heard. "Ko! They can't laugh at me!"

Kohana turned and glared at the group. "Come on, you guys. I can easily walk to Wal-Mart." That shut them up. Itachi put the glasses on and both hands on the wheel.

"Come on." Itachi repeated without much enthusiasm.

The van was filled slowly, some people stopping to say prayers to their respective gods before getting in.

"Hidan, we don't have all day!" Tenshi yelled.

Hidan tilted his head up to look at her, lying in the middle of his sacrificial pentagram bleeding. "Jashin needs to know that his most favored follower is going up against his biggest challenge yet—Itachi's driving!"

Itachi gripped the steering wheel tighter and rolled his eyes. "Ah ha, ah ha, shut up."

Finally, Hidan scrambled into the van and Itachi pulled off, rather quickly. Screams of terror were immediately heard and the sound of seat belts clicking rang throughout the van. Kohana had one clutching her seat belt firmly while the other touched Itachi's arm. "When was the last time you drove?"

"This is my first time!" Itachi smiled wickedly from ear to ear.

"**WHAT?!"**

Somehow, Itachi managed to weave the van in and out of traffic, narrowly missing and not hitting a thing. At a light before the on ramp to the highway, Itachi slammed on the brakes to avoid running a red light. Immediately, protests began to have Itachi ejected from the driver's seat. Itachi ignored the yelling and rocking of his outraged passengers and looked out the window.

"HEY UCHIHA!"

Itachi did a double take and found Might Gai and Rock Lee sitting in a turtle green Volkswagen next to them, preparing to turn. "Oh. My. God. Ew."

"I see you're driving now!" Gai nodded his head like an idiot.

"I see you still have a horrible fashion sense." Itachi called back. Gai frowned and looked down at his trademark green jumpsuit. The light turned green and both cars surged forward, going in their opposite directions.

"Way to go Itachi!" Deidara cheered. "You tell show those fashion rejects who's boss, yeah!"

Itachi smiled triumphantly and pressed down on the gas a little harder, guiding the van onto the freeway at nearly 110 miles per hour.

"**SLOW DOWN, ITACHI, SLOW DOWN!!!"**


	3. Shopping Buddies

**Chapter Three: Shopping Buddies**

When Itachi pulled into the parking lot, it was pure chaos. He barely had time to put the van in park before crying men poured out and fell to the ground with joy. Tobi literally kissed the ground repeatedly in a way that would make his imaginary lover Hannah Montana jealous and outraged. The freeway had been left a post-nuclear bomb mess. From what Kohana had observed alone, he managed to run a bus of elderly people completely off the road, caused an entire lane to wreck out after cutting off someone in the next lane who served to avoid hitting the van thus hitting a truck, and caused two police cruisers to crash into each other when he suddenly slammed on the brakes as they were trying to force him to stop his vehicle.

Tenshi shakily got out with help from an equally petrified Arai, both of their hair completely out of control. Sirens and screams could be heard in the distance along with the smell of burning metal and rubber tainting the air.

Kakuzu inspected the van thoroughly and gave Itachi a brief pat on the shoulder. "Good work, kid."

Itachi's chest puffed out in pride. "Thank you. At _someone_ recognizes talent." He glared at those who'd fallen on the ground. Deidara, who'd mistakenly eaten before getting in the van, stood away from the group, upchucking the contents of his stomach.

"Yes, Itachi." Zetsu muttered taking deep breaths to stop from hyperventilating. "It takes _true _talent to nearly kill everyone you come in contact with on the road and emerge unscathed."

Once everyone had managed to calm down, Kohana called for their attention. "Okay. Since the list is so big, we're going to split up into teams of two and shop for the items we need. Once you have everything you need, go back up front next to the deli and produce area and wait for the others."

"Okay, Ko-chan!" Tobi saluted her in a sing song voice.

Kohana ignored him. "Pair up."

It was a gruesome process but somehow it was done without much yelling and hair pulling. Deidara paired himself with Itachi without any protest from Itachi. Tobi picked Kohana. Kisame agreed to partner up with Hidan under the conditions he was limit his sacrificial rituals. At this Kohana made Hidan promise to wait until they had at least checked out and were on the way to the van before he drew any blood from himself or others. For some unknown reason, Tenshi agreed to be Sasori's shopping partner. A little voice screamed itself hoarse at this but Kohana ignored it. Arai was left with either picking Zetsu or Kakuzu. Before she could say anything, Kakuzu headed off towards the store's entrance. So much for the choice.

"Okay everyone." Kohana led the group inside. "Please, _please_, behave yourselves. If for whatever reason you find yourself lost, please go straight to customer service and call for me."

_Kohana Kurama, can you please come to customer service? Your party is waiting._

"The hell?!" Kohana looked around as if to see the person who was calling her and sighed. "Honestly, I haven't been in here long enough…" She looked over the sea of customers and check stands and found the big blue Customer Service sign. "You all can go ahead. Tobi, come on."

Tobi grabbed her hand and held it tightly. "Okay." Sometimes it was very hard to forget that he was a grown man.

At customer service, Kakuzu stood there with a sales paper. The associate at the counter looked at Kohana with exasperation. "Are you Kohana?"

Kohana nodded. "What—"

"Take him and _keep_ him with you, _please_." Traci said.

"What happened?" Kohana looked from Kakuzu to Traci.

"This ingrate refused to show me to every sales item in the sales ad!" Kakuzu shouted. Kohana shushed him with her hands then rubbed his back.

"Well, that's fine. Tobi and I don't have much to get so we don't mind."

"But if the item that's advertised doesn't match the price then I'll still have to come find you." Kakuzu complained.

Traci frowned. "No. You can call a manager. Dispute the prices with one of them. _I'm_ clocking out for the day." With that, Traci grabbed her hand bag and left.

Kohana turned to Kakuzu. "Well, way to go, Stitch."

"Shut up, Lilo."


	4. Hell Hole

**Chapter Four: Hell Hole**

"Hidan, really we don't have time for this." Kisame looked down at his shopping buddy. Hidan opened one eye and shushed the blue one then resumed. "Kohana didn't say you couldn't pray but she did specifically state no blood drawing."

"Who's gonna fucking tell her, eh?" Hidan muttered.

"Um, excuse me, sir?" A timid young woman wearing the signature Wal-Mart vest kneeled down and tapped Hidan's hand. "A-are you okay?" Between the blue fish creature standing next to her and the bleeding man lying on the shiny floor next to a Ritz cracker display, one couldn't be too sure that employees were properly trained to handle "anything."

Hidan opened his eyes and looked up at her. "Eh?" He had to admit she was easy on the eyes, and worth talking to. He jumped up and began fishing through his cloak until he found what he was looking for. He handed the startled girl a pamphlet…for converting to Jashinism. "How would you like a change in religion?"

"Hidan, no." Kisame objected, attempting to pull him away from the girl.

"No, no. Wait a minute. I think I might actually have a taker here." Hidan waved Kisame off. Before he could open his mouth again, he was forced forward, nearly falling flat on his face. He turned around, seething. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

The little old lady in her motor cart stared up at the tall albino man through her Coke bottle thick glasses with wide eyes. "I-I'm sorry?"

Enraged, Hidan reached for his scythe, whipping it out with enough force to knock Kisame somewhere in the girls' clothing section screaming. "I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING SORRY YOU STUPID ASS LITTLE OLD BAT!"

"**SIR, NO!"**

* * *

"I'm beginning to see why pairing with you was a good idea, Blondie." Itachi tilted his head to the side. Deidara had managed to lead them directly to the hair care aisle without any problems. He kneeled down and used a purple painted fingernail to read each label of Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner. It was better than he'd imagined. Not only did the store carry every kind available, but they also offered double packs.

Deidara ignored the Blondie comment for the time being. "Let's see." He began picking things off of the shelf and throwing them into his hand held basket. "Herbal Essences Shimmer Spray Gel, Two in One Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner—"

"Ooh!" Itachi yanked two bottles off of the shelf. "Herbal Essences Strengthener!" He shot a dirty look at Deidara. "Bleach does all sorts of damage to one's hair."

Deidara returned the glare. "Yeah, can you like imagine six different _permanent_ colors applied to your hair at once? Imagine all the hair care products you'd need just to keep from going bald."

"It isn't like you didn't deserve it, you asshole. You started all of it by telling Tobi to bleach my damned hair."

"Technically he didn't bleach your hair. _You_ did. No one told you to wash your hair." Deidara folded his arms and looked away.

Itachi bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed. He actually wanted to get some shopping done. "Whatever. Now where's the baby shampoo?"

Deidara stared at the eldest Uchiha's back angrily.

Itachi looked at all the different kinds of Johnson's baby shampoos with joy. He was trying to decide between original and Lavender scented when the worse thing happened. Something slimy and warm traced the outline of his ear then the inner canal. He whirled around. "YOU BASTARD!"

Deidara was lost in a fit of giggles, face turning bright red. One arm was wrapped around his abdomen as he howled with laughter; the other was still in the air at shoulder height, a tongue sticking out of his palm.

"**FUCK OFF NO JUTSU!"**

Deidara's eyes opened wide and he dived out of the way, the huge fireball nearly missing him and taking out an entire section of body lotion. "What's the matter, Itachi-san?" Deidara batted his eyelashes at the raven haired pissy man. "Did I use the wrong tongue, yeah?"

This time he had to dodge two of them. Deidara narrowly missed the second one, causing the ends of his hair to be singed along with his cloak sleeve. "YOU BITCH!"

"BRING IT ON!" Itachi shouted. A male associate came around the corner, took one look at the damage that had been done so far then at the two men.

"Er…Hi, my name is Tony. How may I assist you today?" Deidara's arm went around the man's neck and pushed him in front of his body, using the innocent bystander as a shield. "Wait! W-What's going on here?"

"DIE!" Itachi yelled and shot off another round of fireballs at the pair.

"**NO!!!!"**

* * *

Kohana looked around frantically. He had just been by her side not even a second ago! "Oh, wow. How surprising is this?!"

Kakuzu held up a bag of fertilizer that had been advertised in the sales ad and compared it to the price that was listed on the shelf. "Call the manager."

"What?!" Kohana looked at him. "That will have to wait. Tobi's gone missing!"

"He'll be fine. If anything he'll run into one of the others. If not, he knows to go to the Customer Service counter."

Kohana sighed and covered her face with both hands. "No. I have to go find him. Will you be okay by yourself for a while?"

Kakuzu shrugged then went over to a nearby phone and picked it up. "Customer needs assistance by the indoor fertilizer! Customer needs assistance by the indoor fertilizer next to the pots!"

Kohana stared at him warily. "Kakuzu, please be reasonable with these people and try to refrain from playing on the intercom."

He waved her off staring at the prices. "Tobi could be somewhere ripping some innocent person limb from limb. What I do is the least of your problems."

Kohana's eyes widened with the fearful thought and disappeared. "Yes, sir?" Kakuzu looked at the associate.

He pushed the sales ad in the man's face then pointed at the price on the shelf. "It's advertised at being only $9.98."

Gregory looked at the price listed on the shelf. "$9.99? It's a typo."

"Well, it's still a price discrepancy. Either I get it free or I need to see a manager right?"

"Well, I'm the Garden Department manager. Surely we can work something out. How about fifty percent off?"

"That's a start. How about _forty_ percent off?" Kakuzu grinned wickedly.

* * *

Kisame thumbed through the latest issue of Home & Garden. There was an interesting feature article on 101 different uses for virgin olive oil. Next to him, Hidan planted Jashinism pamphlets throughout the magazines. "Hey, look here. Lime seared prawns."

Hidan leaned over and looked at the picture and the recipe. "Hmm. Not fucking bad at all. If we could kick Kohana out of the kitchen, we could try to cook that tonight."

Kisame nodded. "Wanna go get the ingredients?"

"Fuck yeah, man!"

The pair promptly turned and headed towards the grocery section of the store. Behind them a very lost good boy made a scene.

Tobi was prostrate on the floor face down screaming as loud as his very male voice would allow. "TOBI THE GOOD BOY IS LOST AND CANNOT FIND HIS SEMPAIS!"

A nice old associate named Veronica tried to console him. "I can help you find them if you'd like. Would you like that?"

"NO! I WANT MY KO-CHAN AND MY TENSHI-CHAN AND MY DEI-CHAN AND MY ITACHI-SAN AND MY ZETSU-SAN AND MY SASORI-SAN AND MY KISAME-SAN AND MY KAKU—On second thought I don't want him—AND MY ARAI-CHAN!!!" Tobi flailed, effectively causing customers to stop and stare at the scene.

Kisame looked over his shoulder at the good boy then at Hidan. "Should we—"

"Fuck no. He's the baby-sitter's problem not ours.

"Good point."

* * *

"Oro, my man, you really need to work on your people skills. No one wants to hear you go on and on about some child they can't help but to assume you molest at night…or day." Sasori sighed. Orochimaru replied so he took his red Motorola Razor away from his ear and leaned closer to the associate. "Hi," he looked at the name badge and made a face, "Poo-nah-ni? Wow, what a name. Um, I need help locating your medical supplies."

The guy stared at Sasori, already annoyed. "What kind of medical supplies?"

"Well, basically I plan to cut open a human body, thus I'll need a scalpel for starters. Then I'll need to completely empty out the abdominal cavity and discard the organs. After that I need to preserve the flesh and eyes. So where would the necessary items to do all of that be?"

Punani fainted.

Tenshi looked down at the man then at Sasori. "I told you so."

Sasori sighed and snapped his phone shut. "I-Told-You-So has a brother, little miss Hell Raiser. His name is Shut-The-Hell-Up."

Tenshi attacked him.

"Look mommy!" A little boy tugged on his mother's dress and pointed to the brawling pair. "Two girls are fighting!"

* * *

It wasn't surprising that all of the commotion drew a big crowd. After all, the combination of fireballs and exploding clay creations did create a nice skylight in Wal-Mart's already skylighted ceiling. It was a little known fact, but Itachi suffered from Ochlophobia and thus did not operate well in large crowds…such as the one that had gathered around him and the Blonde.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! GO AWAY BEFORE I BLOW YOUR ASS TO KINGDOM COME!"

"Sir, please calm down, okay?" Poor Tony.

"YOU CALM DOWN! TELL THEM TO GO AWAY BEFORE I LOSE IT!"

"Itachi-san," Deidara leaned against a shelf and filed his nails, "you've already lost it."

"GAH!!!"

"**SIR, PLEASE, DON'T!"**

* * *

"All I'm saying is let it go for a five percent discount." Kakuzu folded his arms and stared the man square in the eye.

"Sir, I cannot allow that." Gregory insisted. "It has to be damaged in order for it to be marked down."

"Then damage it. What about the 'customer is always right' policy? I can't be right if you keep trying to correct me."

The man sighed. "Sir, I cannot damage the product."

"Would you like to make a sale?"

The man nodded, tired of the whole thing.

"Then damage the product so I can buy it."

Gregory was at his wits end. Without further hesitation, he whipped out a box cutter and stabbed the bag and made a nice slit that made the bag look as if it had been damaged while being unloaded from the grocery truck. "There. Now will you buy it?"

"Of course not." Kakuzu turned back to the phone he'd used earlier. "Can I get a store manager to come to the Garden department immediately? I repeat, can I get a store manager to report to the Garden department immediately?"

"What are you doing?!" Gregory yelled.

"This product is damaged _and_ priced wrong. I would like to have it but I will not pay for it."

"BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU'D TAKE IT!"

"I changed my mind. I'm a customer. I can do that." Kakuzu smiled happily.

* * *

"Sir, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." The man looked like he wanted to set his little blue vest on fire, quit, or simply just shrivel up into some small inanimate object.

Zetsu calmly turned around, holding two different kinds of batteries for his video camera. "What for?"

"Well…um…We're getting a number of complaints that you're making the customers…uncomfortable." The man did his best to avoid eye contact. Arai was too busy playing Bayonetta on the Playstation 3 over in games to take much notice.

"And just how am I making them uncomfortable?" Zetsu turned to fully face the man.

"Um…well, sir…" He motioned to the crowd of customers who had gathered around the electronics department but refused to come any closer. "As you can see—"

"You want me to stop shopping peacefully for the sake of your other customers?"

The man looked pained. "Again, I'm terribly sorry, sir."

Zetsu growled.

Screams of pure terror filled the air.

"ZETSU, NO! LET HIM GO! SPIT HIM OUT, ZETSU! SPIT HIM OUT!"

"RWAR!!!"


End file.
